Wednesday, December 4, 2013


In the United States, Santa Clause is a benevolent character, showering boys and girls who behave their best one month before Christmas with gaming systems and Barbie Dream Houses. Let's not dig too deep. He's also an anagram/homonym for Satan Claws who watches children sleep, one who employs a sweatshop of dwarves, and when one of his reindeer was being bullied because of a gross deformity, he turned him into a flood light.

I mean come on, Rudolph may have suffered from bioluminescent rosacea, but at least his name wasn't Prancer.

But in this season of good tidings, we ignore the fact that Superman's neighbor drops prizes down the chimneys of the worlds brattiest brats while completely ignoring the content of Africa and allow him to invade our home on the night of December 25th because he gives us free swag.

Other Westernized nations are not so gracious. Throughout the Alpine nations of Austria, Germany, Hungary and beyond, a not so friendly pagan nightmare haunts the naughtier children of Europe.

Merry Christmas

Krampus, the son of hell, roams the streets of European villages on the evening of December 5th scaring German children into becoming, well, German. Fueled by schnapps because, what else, this hooved and horned beast dragging chains and wielding fire throws coal at misbehaving children and swats them with birch branches.

Merry Christmas!

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